I was tired beyond what I felt was physically possible for a human being to be. I could barely keep my eyes open. I was starting to feel really emotional.
On day 2 of my hospital stay, I had even more visitors to see Wee Z. I was happy to see my friends and family but I was feeling rather overwhelmed. I was sore. I had to have stitches and I was badly bruised. I remember going to the toilet and asking the midwife to check everything had gone back to where it should have been as it didn't feel like it had.
My nipples were sore, cracked and bleeding. Wee Z wasn't feeding much and he ended up having cup feeds of formula to keep him going whilst I tried to sleep. I felt so guilty that I couldn't feed my son myself.
Apparently on day 2 or day 3, every new mum has a bit of cry. The tears just seem to come for no reason. Mid nappy change, mine came and I couldn't stop. The midwife asked why I was crying. I didn't know but the tears kept coming.
I went to bed that night with Wee Z beside me, sleeping peacefully and I felt numb inside. Everything that should have been colourful and happy was black and sad. I woke constantly during the night; a combination of Wee Z needing feed and the girl next to me snoring. It didn't help that her baby, who was being bottle fed, was sleeping for big long spells. Why wouldn't Wee Z do that? Why couldn't he just feed properly and sleep for 4 hours?
On the morning of day 4, I phoned Husband at 6am and told him I didn't want Wee Z anymore. I couldn't cope. I needed someone to take him away from me before I lost my mind. Husband came straight to hospital and was straight on to the ward to see me. He went mad at the midwives, who were sitting in the day room drinking tea and eating toast. Their security doors weren't locked, so Husband was able to walk straight in.
Having Husband there to help me and talk to me seemed to help. The midwives didn't seem bothered by how I was feeling. I couldn't wait to get out of hospital. I felt even more guilty for saying I didn't want my baby because, of course I did. It was just so hard. To quote Coldplay, nobody said it was easy, but they never told me just how damn hard coping with a newborn would be.
This post is for Flashback Friday which is hosted by the lovely Jenny and Lauren.
